The very idea of parenting a healthy, live baby after everything we'd been through was incredibly daunting. I think we both worried about how our losses would affect our ability to parent, especially with it all being so fresh in our minds. The pregnancy itself was stressful and being launched right into a world with a new baby so soon after months of trauma and anxiety was scary at best. You hear stories of parents who struggled to bond with their "rainbow" baby, stories of the harshest forms of post-natal depression and psychosis, and I was really worried for my mental health in all honesty. I was anxious about the moment I would be handed a healthy baby - how would I react? How would I feel?
Thankfully, I didn't feel anything close to how I feared I might. Holding Everly, I felt calm, in control. I felt complete for the first time in a long, long time. Of course, Hallie will always be missing from me and in that way I'll never be truly complete, but holding Everly was like holding them both. I felt, and still do feel, Hallie's presence when I am holding Everly.
Everly was an easy newborn. She slept well (12 hours through the night from as early as I can remember), she ate well (breastfed with formula top-ups), she rarely cried unless she was hungry or sleepy and she pooped like a trooper. Textbook. She was a joy of a baby to have around, loved cuddles and she was fun and easy to take out and about. We spent a large part of our maternity leave in cafe's and restaurants, sometimes with friends and sometimes on our own. She would sleep in her pram while I drank coffee and read a book; for the majority of the time it was blissful. I think the fact that Everly was such an easy baby was the reason we coped so well with the transition in our parenting. I think we really needed her to be good. Because having a new baby while you're still grieving is hard work emotionally.
Michael and I would lie in bed staring over at tiny Everly asleep in her crib, astounded by how much she looks like Hallie. I would wake up in the middle of the night, open my eyes and she would be lying at my eye level, perfectly still with her eyes closed and honestly, it was like looking at a ghost. We'd both be a little obsessed with checking that she was breathing, multiple times throughout the night. But strangely, other than that, we have a pretty confident and relaxed parenting style. I guess we were both just really, really ready to be parents and we slipped into the roles with ease. Sure, it was (is!) crazy and our whole lives have been turned upside down (in the best way!) but we've done okay. We love having Everly with us and we're immensely proud of the little person she's becoming.
I always used to envy those couples pushing a pram through the park. One of the greatest joys has been being that couple at last! Finally getting to experience the life we'd been imagining is so joyful and our adventures out together as a family have been a lot of fun. On Hallie's 2nd birthday we spent the day driving along the coast, visiting the Aquarium and the Pickie Fun Park in Bangor - things we did with Hallie when she was still alive and kicking in my tummy. It felt right to bring Everly to the places that Hallie had been, reliving the happier memories we made during that difficult time.
I was absolutely busting to go to "Mummy groups" and do all the normal Mummy things with Everly - but at the same time, I was terrified to put myself out there. I was desperate to fit in with the Mummy crowd but the inevitable question "is Everly your first?" would crop up over and over again and I would agonise over how to answer it. Do I say yes and painfully deny Hallie's existence or do I tell them about Hallie and deal with the pity and the awkwardness that would often follow? But the more I spent time in the Mummy World, the better I got at fielding that question and the more confident I became. Everly and I would go to Rhythm and Rhyme in the library and Baby Sensory in the Wow Centre once a week and we both really loved getting out and about. Michael also took Everly to swimming lessons every Wed which she adored until Covid came along and put a stop to all the fun!
It hasn't all been rosy, though. During night feeds I would sit in the Nursery in the dark and just think about everything and quite often, I'd just torture myself with sad thoughts. I would think about how the Nursery was originally set aside for Hallie. I would think about how I never got to feed Hallie, about how I never even got to change her nappy. There was a constant voice at the back of my head that would chime in every time Everly reached a milestone; "Hallie never got to do that". Little invasive thoughts would interrupt the flow of my day. I felt incredible guilt from the moment Everly was born. I would feel the most guilt for being happy. I would have this little vision of Hallie looking down on us and feeling sad that she wasn't with us - did she think we'd moved on so quickly and so happily? I would think about that all the time.
I would, and still do, give myself a hard time over not being able to divide my time and attention fairly between Everly and Hallie, as strange as it sounds. If I buy Everly a present, I feel like I should be buying Hallie one too. I'm conscious of posting too many pictures of Everly on my Instagram and not enough of Hallie. I remember changing the background on my phone to a cute photo of Everly and instantly feeling horrendous when I realised that I'd replaced Hallie's photo. The truth of it is that everyone around you thinks a new baby magically heals you and makes everything better again. They stop asking how you are. It's assumed that everything is okay now but there's a lot of healing still to do.
I would spend a lot of time thinking about how unfair life is. How unfair it is that Everly is here and Hallie is not. How unfair it is that I have to experience this guilt as a new Mother. I would think about all the other parents who are feeling the very same as I am, how unfair it is that families have to go through this. The deep sense of injustice I felt would make me so angry at the Universe. Since Everly has been born, friends of mine have lost their babies too. It keeps happening. In a world where I thought "at least I went through this instead of someone close to me", the realisation that it can and has happened again so close to home has been hard on my heart. But it's made me realise just how lucky we are to have Everly. That she is healthy. I have immeasurable amounts of gratitude for her.
And it's that gratitude that has pushed us through. Of course, there are still days where the grief catches up on us, even over 2 years on. I imagine it will probably always be a bit like that. But the majority of the time, we can't believe our luck that she's ours, that we get to keep her. Everly is here, she is safe and she's beautiful and she's happy. Every day is an adventure with a little one in tow - she's reaching all her milestones, weaning has been going well, she finally has teeth on the way and it won't be too long before she's on her feet. Her smile is infectious, her giggle is the best sound I've ever heard. She's silly and just loves to make people laugh. I miss her when I'm at work and find myself rushing home just to cuddle her again. That warm fuzzy feeling of knowing that I am her Person gets me every time. I love being the one she'll run to when she hurts herself, or when she's tired and needs a cuddle. I love my family so incredibly much and feel so proud that Michael and I fought on and made it to this place.
It's crazy to think that we'll be celebrating Everly's first birthday next month! It's been an absolute whirlwind of a year, one we'll never forget, not least because there was a global pandemic smack bang in the middle of it! Suddenly we were thrust on to our own little island of three only able to wave at family on Facetime or from the driveway. It was a strange time but also, selfishly, quite a lovely time too. Michael was furloughed from work for 3 months so we got extra time that we wouldn't otherwise have as a family. I was also able to work from home instead of returning to the office when my Maternity leave came to an end, extending my time with Everly a little and easing me back in to work gently.
When it comes to parenting style and methods, I think we've learnt a lot from our experiences with loss. We've developed the determination and drive it takes to raise a little one. We've learned patience. We try not to sweat the small stuff. But the most important thing is that we know just how lucky we are to be parents. On the 30th of September we'll be celebrating Everly and giving ourselves a huge pat on the back too. Because parenting after loss is no mean feat but it's a journey that's absolutely worth sticking out.
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