I receive messages on this topic a lot - mainly from recently bereaved parents wanting to know how we made the decision to try for another baby after losing Hallie and what it was like being pregnant again. I thought I would write about our experience in the hope it might answer some questions or inspire or reassure an undecided, struggling or a newly-pregnant, bereaved couple.
Trying Again
The decision to try for another baby can be really scary. The biggest fear is obviously "what if it happens again?" There are so many worries and it can be really daunting for a million different reasons. While many bereaved couples chose not to risk another pregnancy, I don't think there was ever a question of Michael and I not trying again after either of our two losses. It's a very private and individual decision to make and there are many factors to consider.
Most importantly, you have to make sure that you're both on the same page and are both physically and mentally ready to embark upon another pregnancy. It's so important to prepare yourself mentally. If you aren't ready, don't push yourself. Don't push your partner. Take all the time you need. Talk to a professional. Talk to your family. Talk to a fellow bereaved parent. And most importantly, talk to each other. Never stop talking. Communication is so, so important.
At the top of my priorities list was visiting my GP for a check up as I wanted reassurance from a Doctor that I was physically healthy enough to carry another pregnancy. In my case, a blood draw showed that I had a B12 vitamin deficiency and I began weekly B12 injections immediately. At the time, I googled B12 and its function within the body. B12, amongst other things, is required for healthy division and replication of cells. A light bulb went off in my head - the chromosome disorders that cause both early miscarriage and Turner Syndrome are the result of errors in cell division. I told my GP about what I had read and she told me she didn't think my B12 deficiency would have had any affect on my pregnancies (probably because she didn't want me blaming myself) - but it will always stick in my mind. Is it just a coincidence that once I started B12 injections I had a healthy pregnancy? I suppose we'll never really know. But I am so glad that I went for that check up.
We spoke to our Consultant from my pregnancy with Hallie and felt reassured that the chance that the same thing would happen again in a subsequent pregnancy was only around 1%. He was very confident that our next pregnancy would go smoothly. He also reassured us that our next pregnancy would be under Consultant care (rather than Midwife-led care) and we would have access to as many scans and extra care as we wanted. I would encourage any couple to speak to their GP or Consultant before trying again; I think that's really important.
Finding Out
We were very lucky to fall pregnant quickly. I know that this isn't always the case, I know of couples who have suffered secondary infertility after loss - some that it's taken years to happen for and some who had made the decision to go for various fertility treatments when trying again. Obviously I can only write about my experiences and I understand how lucky we were with our third pregnancy.
Seeing those two pink lines on a pregnancy test again can be incredibly triggering. Quite often, the usual excitement and joy of a positive planned pregnancy test is replaced with dread and fear after a previous pregnancy loss. When I found out I was pregnant with Hallie after my miscarriage I was pretty terrified. I went into a panicked overdrive, life became a flurry of booking early scans and doctors appointments, desperate that everything would be okay this time. Obviously, in the end, we lost Hallie too. I had begun to worry that we would never be parents, or we were destined to have a baby that would be sick. There had to be something wrong with us that this kept happening.
Strangely, I remember feeling a distinct level of calm when I found out I was pregnant for the third time. There was no rhyme or reason to how I felt - maybe I had firmly believed that the Universe was due to give us a break; that the third time would indeed be lucky. I was offered extra care but I rejected any extra early scans. There was always a negative voice in the back of my head that said "you had endless early scans with Hallie and she still died" but also a positive voice that said "you need to trust this pregnancy" so that's what we chose to do. No extra care.
Sharing the news
Deciding to announce a pregnancy, and when, is a very individual choice. Many decide not to, particularly after a loss, until very late into the pregnancy. We managed to keep our third pregnancy to ourselves until after our 12 week scan when we announced to family and close friends. I told my Mum and sister on Mother's Day, a very bittersweet day for me. I swore I wasn't going to announce on Social Media but surprisingly decided on a whim to post a picture of Michael holding a scan picture on my Instagram page on my birthday. Strangely, it felt more right than I expected it to.
One thing I wasn't prepared for was the varying range of reactions to my pregnancy. Most were pleased and gave the usual hugs-and-congrats response. Some burst into tears. But I'll never forget the time I told someone in work that I was expecting again and she said "oh you poor thing!" and looked at me as if I had just announced that I was ill. There were a few people who seemed horrified that I was pregnant again so soon after losing Hallie and there were some that simply ignored my pregnancy entirely. I waddled around my office for weeks sporting a huge bump and the majority of my colleagues outright ignored it and never approached the subject. After losing a baby, the subject of pregnancy almost becomes taboo. No one wants to say the "P" or the "B" word to someone who lost a P or a B previously.
I had people in work ask others if I was pregnant instead of coming to me personally. I also had colleagues chat to me causally in the kitchen then go back to their desks and email me their congratulations. It can be triggering when someone acts strangely to your news, especially when you want or expect to be treated normally. It can be hard to let people in, especially when you're likely still dealing with your own feelings about it too.
Prenatal Care
For the majority of pregnancies, having a scan is incredibly exciting. But if you've suffered a loss, at some stage you may have had a scan where you've been given bad news. When I had my miscarriage Michael and I had the "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat" scan and with Hallie we had the "I'm sorry, there's a number of problems with the baby" scan. 'Scanxiety' really affected me in my third pregnancy. I dreaded every single one and I would shake with fear every time I had to go. We had one scan at 8 weeks to check for a heartbeat and after that we stuck to the usual routine of scans at 12 weeks, 20 weeks and took it from there.
My scans were always conducted by Consultants at the Ulster Hospital and this gave me extra confidence that professional eyes were on the baby at all times. All of Hallie's early scans were carried out by Midwives in the Lagan Valley Hospital and all of her problems went undetected for 20 weeks so it was important to me that this time my prenatal care was Consultant led. It's important to know that you can call the shots when it comes to your care - always push for the level of care you feel most comfortable with. After loss, anxiety is high and taking care of maternal mental health should be a priority. I decided to stick with the NHS but there are options to go Private of course.
My Consultants worked for both the NHS and Private Clinics. I didn't see the point in paying to go Private when I was seeing the same Consultants for free on the NHS. They took their time with each scan, they were meticulous with measurements and didn't laugh when I would anxiously ask them "can you show me that the baby has all 4 limbs?" or lose their patience when I would ask them to compare this baby with Hallie's scans. They would hold my hand, look me in the eye and tell me that my baby was "perfect" but it took me a very long time to believe them. There are some tests that aren't available on the NHS and can be paid for Privately. These can detect a wide range of issues in pregnancy, particularly helpful if you have history of chromosome abnormalities, for example.
We were offered the Harmony Test - a simple blood draw that would test for a wide range of chromosomal abnormalities - the idea being that if we knew early on that the baby was either sick or healthy it would ease the anxiety of always wondering... It cost upwards of £400 in a Private Clinic. I booked an appointment to have my blood drawn then cancelled it a day later. That little voice telling me to trust this pregnancy was back again. And I listened.
As with all pregnancies, life becomes making it to each appointment. Ticking down the days to the next scan or check up. Carting your green folder around like a lifeline. My folder was pretty damn heavy by the end! It wasn't until my third trimester that the appointments really started to ramp up and I was down at the Ulster Hospital at least once a week for reassurance. I was used to reciting my medical history over and over again and the exclaims of "oh you have had a horrible time of it haven't you!" closely followed by a quick change in attitude towards Michael and I when they realised we had a legitimate reason to be over-anxious.
All doctors will tell you to avoid Dr Google. And you'll ignore that advice just like I did. I was addicted to Googling symptoms. It's very easy to drive yourself crazy in the early weeks before you can feel any physical evidence that baby is alive in there. I took myself off to the Emergency Obstetric Unit on many occasions to have them check baby out when I was feeling worried or insecure. One night, at 35 weeks pregnant, I couldn't sleep because my hands and feet itched like crazy. Thank goodness for Google then, I had myself in the doctor's the next morning for a blood test which would diagnose me with a serious liver condition called Obstetric Cholestasis. This condition lead to baby being delivered 3 weeks early to ensure her safety. Google to the rescue.
Planning the Birth
When it came to planning the birth, we were lucky that our Consultants were supportive in letting me choose what was right for me. They confirmed that I was a suitable candidate for a VBAC/Natural delivery as I had healed very well after my C-Section with Hallie. However, I made the decision very early on that I wanted another Cesarean. I needed to have a level of control over this delivery that a natural birth just couldn't provide me. It was important for me to know what to expect - that in itself lowered my stress and anxiety about everything. Knowing that I had a date to work towards was important too for my sanity. I felt that a section was safer, especially considering the risks of rupture and other complications so soon after my last delivery with Hallie. My birth experience with Hallie was completely calm, painless, drama-free. She was born into the world quickly and quietly - I was composed and calm and ready to meet her. I wanted the same entrance to the world for Everly too.
When you lose a baby/babies you often lose any trust in your body and your ability to bring a baby safely into the world. I simply did not trust that Everly would be safe if I chose a natural birth. I thought that I had been beyond lucky that I had got her to this point healthy and well and didn't want to push my luck. I felt that I had done my part, I got her to Full Term safely and I entrusted Doctors to do the rest. I was physically and mentally spent. This is something I've discussed with many other bereaved mothers - it's a common feeling and completely normal.
Always be open with your Doctors. Be honest, tell them how you're feeling. If you feel like you aren't being supported, ask to speak to someone else. Don't let anyone bully you into making decisions that you aren't completely comfortable with. I had one Consultant try to change my notes to say that I would attempt a VBAC if I went into labour naturally - absolutely against my wishes. Thankfully, we were supported by other Consultants and we got the delivery we planned for. Always be your own advocate. You know what's right for your body, your mind and your baby.
Baby Stuff
I didn't want any baby items in my home until well into my second trimester. Michael was on the same page - we forced ourselves to go and buy the first item of clothing on the day of our 20 week scan with Everly. It was all good news and we were on a high. In the hours following a successful scan I found myself feeling confident and happy...but doubt always crept in soon after. Quite often I would look at baby items I'd bought and wonder if I was tempting fate. There's nothing more devastating than having to deal with a home full of baby items when a baby dies and I spent the majority of my third pregnancy expecting this baby to die too so it made me incredibly uncomfortable to see such items in my house.
I eventually started a little "faith" drawer, as I called it. A tiny drawer in a dresser beside my bed that I allowed myself to fill with small items when I was ready. Before I knew it, I needed a bigger drawer. The bigger drawer turned into two drawers...a full dresser. My friend Clare drove us to Tesco one lunch break in the Summer and I plucked up the courage, with her encouragement, to buy a big box of nappies & wipes. I felt so ridiculously ecstatic that I had mentally overcome what felt like the biggest mountain. Every purchase felt like an achievement, as ridiculous as that may sound.
I had avoided Mothercare like the plague, but Mum somehow tempted me in to look at prams one evening. I think she would agree that it was a nightmare. I hated every single second of it and didn't want to be there at all. It felt totally wrong, at 30+ weeks, to be even thinking about buying a pram. I felt like a kid again being forced to try on school shoes in Clarks and I huffed the entire time. I felt entirely exposed, vulnerable and out of my depth. But there was a pram sale on and my Mum was not for letting me leave without picking one! So I did. The saleswoman revealed to me that she was pregnant again after a miscarriage just months before and it felt good to be understood on a level that only a woman who's been through it can. I felt amazing afterwards. Amazing, but also terrified. I didn't want a pram in the house so Mum kept it "just in case" and I was happy with that.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a Nursery appeared in our house. Our box room - always earmarked as a nursery - was suddenly decorated in pink and grey and flooded with natural light after a few years of the blinds being drawn. I made and hung some wall art of Hallie & Everly's scan photos together. That room was always Hallie's first so it felt right to have little nods to her in there. The Nursery had everything...except a Cot. We didn't actually get a Cot until a few weeks after Everly was born. I just never could pull the trigger on buying one before she arrived safely into the world.
Without realising it, I found decorating the Nursery to be the distraction I needed from my anxiety. I focused on it solely for the final few weeks of my pregnancy and it turned out to be the one room in the house I enjoyed being in the most. I would sit in the chair by the window and imagine looking out while holding a baby in my arms. Some times I would sit in the same chair and cry, utterly convinced that we'd made a mistake and we would have to lock this room up and never open the door again when the baby didn't make it. Pregnancy after loss is one giant rollercoaster.
Surviving Pregnancy after Loss
Surviving is the only word for it! You're basically throwing yourself back into the world of pregnancies and babies at an incredibly triggering time, post-loss. If, like me, you've spent months after your baby's death avoiding anything to do with babies, it can be incredibly hard to land right back in the middle of it. And not everyone will be understanding of that.
The most triggering, and painful question was "Is this your first?" - something I was asked numerous times a week. It always felt wrong to deny Hallie's existence, but bringing her up always led to awkward silences and changes of subject which I hated. There were definitely times where I just said "Yes" because I just couldn't have that conversation; but I always suffered with severe guilt for the rest of the day. It helps to prepare an answer to this question in your head. It's entirely your decision on how you want to field such questions, but it's worth keeping in mind that people may pleasantly surprise you with their responses. I loved when it opened up lovely conversations about Hallie, instead of awkwardness. I was always shocked when, more often than not, the person who asked would open up and tell me that they too had lost a baby, or knew someone close to them that had.
Pregnancy is usually a happy time and people love to talk babies. But if you're mentally in an unhappy, fearful and anxious place it can be hard to communicate your feelings and needs to those around you. I spent the majority of my pregnancy feeling like a total spoil sport. Everyone around me was excited and clearly trying to get me excited about it too but it took a long time for me to get there - and that's completely normal. Always take things at your own pace.
Staying calm can be hard at times. I learnt to focus on my breathing - quiet meditation helped me when I felt manic and scared. I bought a doppler during my pregnancy with Hallie and I used it again during my pregnancy with Everly. I know these are generally frowned upon, but if used sensibly and correctly they can be a really useful tool in managing anxiety. Of course, they have the potential to do the exact opposite but thankfully I never struggled to find Everly's heartbeat and I loved lying in bed listening to her kicks, hiccups and tracking her heart rate and it really kept me sane. I was addicted to feeling her move, though. I would poke and prod at her all day. If she was a bit quiet I would down a can of Coke to wake her up. I had her tortured. But it was all in the name of coping.
There will be days that are harder to cope with than others. While I was pregnant we "celebrated" Hallie's first birthday and that was really hard. Mother's Day was incredibly difficult too. I spent the first 24 weeks of Everly's life comparing her to the 24 weeks of Hallie. When we reached day 24, the gestation day that Hallie was born, things started to change a little for the better. It was new territory. Every day that Everly grew safely past the 24 week mark gave us new hope and new belief that she might get to come home with us.
We named Everly pretty early into the pregnancy as we found out she was a girl at 16 weeks - from then she was always known to us as Pea or Everly. Finding out the gender and naming the baby is always a big step but an important one, I feel, for bonding with baby. After loss it can be easy to resist bonding during pregnancy as a method of self-protection. Many bereaved Mum's find it easier to cope that way and that's okay. You do whatever you need to to survive.
There will also be occasions where you'll feel brave enough to jump in head first. I remember booking onto a Breastfeeding Course with my friend Heather who was also pregnant. It was completely out of my comfort zone but it felt really nice to do something relating to a "normal" pregnancy. To sit in a room with fellow pregnant women, just talking about healthy, happy pregnant things. It was strange, but cathartic at the same time. Michael and I got a lot out of the baby courses run by the hospital - even if it was just mucking about with dolls and drinking tea.
I was incredibly confused about my place in the "baby world" - Even though I was finally carrying a healthy baby, I still felt like I didn't belong. I still had irrational thoughts and aversions to other pregnant women and newborn babies. I still found it incredibly hard to be around them. Pregnancy announcements still made me feel sick and the sound of a baby crying in a food court was still enough to reduce me to tears. Just because you are pregnant again does not mean you forget. I felt torn between bereaved parent and soon-to-be parent. Mentally, it was exhausting. I felt like I was betraying Hallie by appearing to "move on" and have another baby. There is a lot of guilt. And these feelings can be hard to manage and deal with. This is where talking is really important.
You may be like me - used to talking about baby loss or unhealthy pregnancies with other women who have been through the same. I've always said that the best way to get through something so life-alteringly horrible is to find your tribe. Communicate. And I spent the majority of my days since my miscarriage talking to women (and men) who had been through the same thing as I had. Announcing a new pregnancy to those people can be difficult. But there is a tremendous amount of support too.
Not everyone will understand how you're feeling as a pregnant mother following the loss of a baby, but there are a lot of women out there that do. Find those women and hold them closely. I would not have made it through my pregnancies, my losses and my triumphs without them. I have been supported through the past 3 years in ways I couldn't have imagined. Those women are my safe place. And if you ever need someone to talk to, to ask advice, to compare experiences with...come to me and I will introduce you to them.
I hope this reaches someone who needs to read it x
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