Meeting Hallie 16th July 2018

It's been 3 days since Hallie surprised us with an early visit and it's been a complete rollercoaster of a journey. We just got home from the hospital. Saying goodbye to our girl and leaving her behind was the hardest thing we've ever had to do. There's been so many emotions over the past few days and we've been through so much that I'm keen to get it all down into words while it's still fresh. I don't want to forget a moment of it.

On Sunday 15th July I started to have some cramps that were coming in waves. I'd done my research and at 23 weeks these cramps are usually harmless contractions called Braxton Hicks. These are like rehearsal contractions for labour later on and are incredibly normal. With this in mind, I started to feel a little antsy that I was really unprepared just in case Hallie was on her way. Mum and I went shopping to get some bits for my hospital bag and some preemie outfits and blankets for Hallie. I felt better knowing I had a packed bag on standby with everything she and I would need. Michael took me down to the Ulster Emergency Obstetrics Unit at around 7pm that night just to make sure it was Braxton Hicks. They did some tests and confirmed that it was nothing and they sent me home again at around Midnight.

The contractions continued through the night and by the next morning they were notably stronger. I rang the EOU again and spoke to a midwife who told me to take some paracetamol and have a bath. By that evening I was absolutely crippled - the contractions were coming every 5 minutes and were so painful that I struggled to stand up straight. I knew something wasn't right so Michael and I packed the car, hospital bag and all, and we drove back down to the Ulster. It was much the same experience as the night before - lots of waiting around but this time I was making some pretty intense animalistic noises with every contraction! They started to take me seriously and the Doctor examined me between contractions and announced "you're about 3cm dilated." He did a quick scan to check baby's position and announced that she was breech and he had to go and speak with my consultant.

After a few phone calls the decision was made to bring me up to the Labour Ward immediately and prep me for an Emergency Cesarean Section. It all happened so quickly - one minute I was having contractions in the hallway, the next I had a midwife putting a line in my hand and within minutes I was in the bathroom of a labour suite putting on a gown and stockings. I had no time to get scared or anxious; Michael looked more worried than I felt! I fired off a few quick text messages to my Mum, Sister, Dad and Claire from work to let them know what was happening and before I knew it I was walking down to theatre with my bum hanging out the back of my hospital gown. It was the most surreal experience but I was completely calm. I was cracking jokes with all the midwives, having banter with the Anaesthetist and even told one Doctor that he looked like Vince Vaughan. I think there was less than an hour between me being told I was in Pre-term Labour to me lying in theatre completely numb below the neck - it was all incredibly intense and I wasn't really given the time to wrap my head around it.

I just soldiered on and got it done. There was no time to be anxious and the Midwives Emma and Sandra had me feeling completely at ease. Once I was given the spinal block and felt completely numb, Michael arrived in (gown on, hat on, the works) and he sat behind the screen with me and held my hand and kissed my forehead while the surgery started. Before they made the incision, everyone in the room introduced themselves to us one by one, telling us their name and their job title. All 12 of them. If I had time to be embarrassed about being in the centre of it all I would have been mortified! The mood in the room was light despite the fact that everyone knew of Hallie's condition. Everyone made us feel at ease and treated it just like any other birth, I would imagine.

The whole C-Section experience is strange from start to finish - completely painless but you do feel your whole body being pulled and pushed about from the inside. The description of it being like someone rummaging through your tummy like they would a handbag is completely correct. It was all very weird. I kept thinking about the times I had seen this happen on TV and they're always waiting on tenterhooks for the birth to be announced by the baby crying. We knew this wasn't going to be the case.

We had already discussed with the Paediatrician what we wanted to do when Hallie was born. He made it clear that the chances of her being alive were very slim and if she was born alive it wouldn't be for very long. They made the suggestion that they would put her onto my chest straight away so we would have those few precious seconds with her but we were very concerned about how she would look. We had seen photographs of babies with Hydrops and Cystic Hygromas and knew it could be quite shocking so we asked that she be wrapped up immediately and requested that someone would advise on how she looked before handing her to us.

When Hallie was born ("butt first" as the Anaesthetist told me when I asked him to peak over the screen and tell me what was happening) she was rushed over to a resuscitation unit in the corner of the room and they gave her a couple blasts of oxygen and wrapped her up in the blanket Mum had bought her when we went shopping and a little woollen hat. The time on the clock was 11.25pm.

Michael and I were terrified to see her - we didn't know where to look - but the Paediatrician popped over and told us that while the Hygroma on her neck was very visible she was absolutely gorgeous and perfectly formed everywhere else and we immediately agreed to see her. When they brought her over to us it was honestly love at first sight. She had us hook, line and sinker right then and there. We were obsessed. They placed her in Michael's arms and the two of us were sobbing loudly with happy tears. Everyone in the room was fussing over the three of us and congratulating us, it was the perfect moment. One of the Doctors asked Michael for his phone so he could snap some pictures of us meeting our daughter - he must have taken about 30 pictures of us! We appreciate that little act of kindness so, so much. Hallie was alive and breathing and taking little gasps of air in and she looked absolutely adorable. They laid her on my chest while they delivered the placenta, stitched me up and wheeled me back out to our private room. I never took my eyes off her once.

Hallie lived for 3 hours. This is unbelievable. A complete miracle. We had been preparing ourselves for a stillbirth - everything we had been told was based on Hallie passing away while in the womb. There never was a scenario where she would be born alive, let alone stay alive for more than a few minutes. I don't know how she managed it but it was the greatest gift. We held onto her, took turns cuddling her, took a million photographs of the three of us together and even snapped a video to our Mum's and my Sister who were outside in the car park waiting for news! I wasn't aware of this until afterwards but all of our parents rushed to the hospital when we told them I had been admitted. We appreciate that so much and apologise that they didn't get to come up to meet Hallie that night but we wanted/needed those precious hours with our baby girl as a family of three. Our time with her was completely ours and it was perfect.

The nurse checked her pulse a few times and confirmed each time that she still had a heartbeat. At around 2.30am she finally confirmed that Hallie's heart had stopped beating and strangely and unbelievably enough, we weren't at all phased. There was no tears or sadness - we had just had 3 hours of Hallie alive that we never, ever thought we would get and that pushed us through. The rest of the night was spent cuddling her in our little bubble of love. Michael eventually went over to the sofa bed beside me to get some sleep and I lay in bed drifting in and out of consciousness with our little girl curled up on my chest. I just lay there and stared at her perfect little nose and pouty lips all night, completely in love.

We are absolutely delighted that our birth experience with Hallie was a positive one. We really feel like we had the same experience as anyone else would have with their first born and we cannot stress how lucky we feel to have had this experience with her. Even though Hallie never cried, the whole scenario still felt like a happy and positive one from start to finish. Michael and I just fell in love with her and couldn't believe our luck that we got to be her parents.

She's the bravest, most impressive little girl with the strongest heart and we are thankful for every second we had in her company. The 3 days we had with her were unforgettable. We lived in our little private suite as a 3-person family. We watched TV together, ate meals together and cuddled her at every opportunity. I changed her outfit every day and Michael read bedtime stories to her every night. For the time that Hallie was alive and for the time after that, all she knew was the purest form of love. (Even when Michael spilled Ribena all over her...!!) We gave her everything we had to give and she was 100% worth every scary second of our journey to meet each other.